What It’s Like Being The Biggest Girl At The Party

Before you jump straight to the comments section to compliment me about something, that is not why I am writing this post. I am not fishing for you to tell me that I’m pretty or that I look good for my size or anything like that. I am simply here to talk about why sometimes I can feel down on my size and why it’s hard knowing you’re the biggest girl at the party.

When I say party, I don’t literally mean a party. I don’t think I’ve been to a ‘party’ since I was 11. I’m talking about being in work, on a night out with friends or even just meeting someone for a coffee (I actually don’t drink coffee, but Hot Chocolate doesn’t have the same ring to it). I am so comfortable with the size I am, for those of you that don’t know me or have never seen me before I am a size 16, give or take a size.

Now, size 16. I know that that’s perhaps not very big and that there are women who are larger and there are women who are smaller. I’m just talking about this from my perspective.. I am confident and comfortable knowing that I am that size and have no immediate plans to change the size I am.

That being said, that’s my thought process right up until I am standing beside someone who is considerably skinnier than I am or is wearing a top I like but couldn’t wear because of my boobs or anything like that. It’s so easy for me to get myself down about how I look and I work so hard at building my confidence up so that it doesn’t get to me but every so often those thoughts creep in. It gets to the point where I will look around and I know I’m the biggest person there, which I’ll admit is a horrible mindset to have. I’ll sometimes decide not to go somewhere with a group of people because I know that I’ll be the biggest out of that group. I have toyed with the idea of not going on a night out this weekend because of the same thing. That same thought process of ‘oh my God, there are going to be photos of us together’ or ‘I don’t look as good in night out clothes as them.’ It’s not a nice way to feel – and yes, before any haters come and say ‘well of you don’t like feeling that way then go lose weight.’ I don’t want to lose weight. I am happy the way that I am. Usually I have the mindset of that ‘everyone is beautiful no matter what shape or size they are’ and do truly believe in that. Sometimes that mindset shifts when you’re standing in front of the mirror.

I want anyone reading this that has ever had a worry about their appearance, or thought they are bigger than they should be or are bigger or smaller than their friends that it is okay to have these thoughts. Just know, that it is true that everyone is beautiful no matter their size or shape, it’s okay to have the odd thought about your appearance but trust in yourself and wear your confidence with pride. Your confidence is the best thing that you could ever wear, no matter the size.

Do any of you ever feel this way or go through that mindset? I’d love to hear how you deal with it.

new year. same me.

Aloha all you beautiful people!

I am sitting here happy as a clam all toasty and wrapped up in an extra layer of fat that I put on over Christmas and just thinking about the coming year and everything that it’s going to have in store.  With 2018 just around the corner it got me thinking about all of those New Year Resolutions that we make and then worry ourselves over to inevitably not stick to and feel horrible about ourselves which is why

my new years resolution this year is to not make a resolution

I am positively giddy about the fact that I am not going to starve myself for a week in order to attempt losing weight.  I am over the moon that I am not going to beat myself up that I haven’t learned a new skill or taken up a hobby.  I am on cloud nine that I am going to continue to drink just a little too much at the weekends therefore ruining my Sundays.  I am ecstatic that I am going to have the first take out of 2018 and not feel a pick of guilt because I said I would cut down.

For years now I have busted my balls trying to become a ‘better person’ in trying to stick to these ridiculous goals and then spending the following 10 months hating myself that I never completed or stuck to them.  Well, enough is enough!  No longer will I waste my time on these stupid resolutions in order for me to feel down on myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I plan on accomplishing some things this coming year but none that I will write down and beat myself up about if I don’t change.  For example, I really ought to start driving, clear out the pile of clothes I am in denial about, eat a little healthier and maybe put away some money in a savings account.  To me those are like – life changes for a better state of mind, not a resolution that I need to force myself to change.  I find resolutions very unhealthy and a lot of emphasis gets placed on them, especially at this time of year.  It’s basically like saying to yourself ‘you weren’t good enough this year, let’s try again for next year.’  Of course there are some bad habits that we all would like to shake but again, I am not going to get myself down in the dumps about it.

If you are someone that loves making resolutions as a way of trying to ‘improve’ yourself then go for it – Godspeed – however, I am not one of those people.  I can’t wait to wake up on New Year’s Day hungover, crawl out of bed and straight for the Diet Coke and take away menu because I am not placing myself on some strange diet that requires I eat a cube of cheese three times a day.

DG6n3

I am looking forward to maturing slightly next year.  I feel like the year I turn 27 I really need to get my ducks in a row.  That being said, 2017 I moved in with Joel in our cute little rented house in Belfast (my stuff takes up 95% of it, his 5%) and I have accomplished a lot this year.  Can’t wait to see what 2018 has to offer and I can’t wait to not have to force it with New Years Resolutions.

Happy New Year!

Amy xo