I’m a very busy person, not actually doing anything overly important but I never let my brain relax. I’m pretty certain this is some form of defence mechanism as I don’t want to allow my brain to switch off so that it can deal with the real problems. I keep myself busy so I don’t embrace the inevitable.
Since being in lockdown I still, have been very busy. Oh yes, always creating videos, editing videos, have to walk the dogs, have to to study something new, do a new course, have to do this have to do that. All of a sudden, on Tuesday my brain came to a screeching halt. My body wouldn’t move, I couldn’t lift my head and it’s like my body was forcing me to think. To think and understand my own brain. All I could do was cry, everything made me cry. I felt numb, forced to look at myself in a new light.
I’ve been very triggered recently by what I see online and honestly the littlest things can send me off on a rampage! I love social media, I love creating content and it genuinely makes me happy to create. It’s what comes after what’s posted that the problems start. It’s that damn voice. That voice that says I’m too fat to wear that. That my face isn’t pretty enough for someone to watch me do makeup. That my editing isn’t good enough. That other people have nicer feeds than mine. That those followers shouldn’t be following me. I’m a fraud, posting away when I feel like this. The list is endless I swear.
For as long as I can remember I have been very self conscious of the way I look. Honestly, from when I was a young girl and my mum would pick out clothes for me to wear and I didn’t like them but I HAD to wear them. From being in school and feeling insignificant among the other girls who had nicer hair, better teeth, skinnier legs and a tan. Not just the girls but the boys too, told me I wasn’t pretty and all the shit that usually happens in school. I mean, everyone has their insecurities but it’s only recently that I’ve learned that not everyone focuses on their insecurities quite so much as I do.
It actually really does just get in the way of life sometimes and I know that sounds dramatic. I’ve cancelled on events with brands because I can’t face looking at myself in the mirror long enough to get ready to go. I’ve been standing in my own house while people are there waiting on me to leave and I have crippling anxiety about leaving looking the way I do, wondering whether my hair is okay, my makeup is okay, my dress is okay, does my ass look super super fat in it? When we’re getting a photo before we leave the house (classic) I’m constantly thinking about how I’m going to look on the camera. Anyone else have their photo taken and immediately demand to see it? I take it and I zoom, I analyse. That photo will haunt me the rest of the evening while I’m supposed to be out having a great time. It’s exhausting. All my life, I have always been the larger friend. In every friend group, everyone else has always been slimmer, fitter – I’m like the DUFF. It’s a difficult thing to accept, when we’re all together my brain is going a million miles per hour wondering if people are seeing what I’m seeing. If a group of people are walking past and thinking it’s a shame that these amazing, gorgeous goddesses have me beside them. I know how that sounds, pathetic right? But that’s what my brain does.
I will say however, that posting on Instagram, contrary to what people think about social media has helped me come on leaps and bounds. Don’t get me wrong, my demons are very much still there, but it helps me. Every so often I have to do a cleanse of who I follow, it’s not because I don’t like the person or what they’re posting, it’s just because I don’t like the way that it makes me feel. For example, recently I unfollowed a lot of fitness accounts or people that are posting about their fitness constantly during lockdown. It’s totally fine, you post away if that’s what you like to do and if it helps your mental well-being I am all for it. What happens though, is that even though I am exercising myself, I find it completely triggering and cry. Like, just sat there tearing up because some sexy girl is lifting barbell. Is that normal? I very much doubt it.
I never really took the time to understand what’s been going on in my head for the last, let’s say 20 years but I think the time has come to accept that something isn’t right. I just assumed that everyone felt this way, that this is just a normal girl brain telling yourself you aren’t good enough and to a degree, it probably is – as I said we all have our insecurities. As it turns out, my insecurities have just gone a little too far. I’m not at this stage going to drone on about what I have or don’t have, and in no way am I looking for the kind of attention seeking messages ‘oh but you are pretty’ or ‘omg Danny DeVito I love your work.’ I simply wanted to share, and I’m sure I’ll share more another day. For now, if anyone has any similar anxieties to mine I would love to listen, together we can grow.
They say ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and my God, are they right.